June 16 2017

Lately it’s been getting to me. Seeing all the other boys take off their shirts, stand up completely straight without having to hide their damn chest like me. I know that I’m the “different” one, but man, I don’t have a lot of transgender friends. Some live far. That I know of, I’m the only trans guy in my friends’ lives. I envy the guys so much with their low-ass voices, flat chest, and body hair. I wish I could have that. Why do I have to be like this? Why couldn’t I have just been born a boy? With the parts and everything.

Lately, people have been so supportive with me being trans and everything, they give me the support that I need and don’t bring me down. For 16 years of my life I was my mother’s daughter, until I sat her down and told her that I was a boy. That my name is Gabriel.

This is going to sound so bad, but there have been so many times where I just wanna cut off my damn chest. I know that’s not good, but I get so sad, I look in the mirror and just look at them and start crying like a maniac. “WHY CAN’T MY CHEST BE FLAT?” I always yell that out. “WHY CAN’T MY VOICE BE DEEPER?”

I honestly do a pretty good job at hiding my chest. I have 2 chest binders that I wear. It’s my voice. My voice is freaking high pitched or whatever. If I had a lower voice, like “male” voice, then I would probably always pass as a guy. As of now it’s so hard to pass. I usually have to keep my head down with a hat and not speak. People will just see my head, and because I have short hair they usually just assume I’m a straight up guy.

My whole life has been difficult, but never this difficult. Sometimes I wanna just give up. Give up on everything, everyone, especially myself.

It’s so hard, and people don’t really understand how I feel.

For two days I was kicked out of my house. One night I stayed at the freaking damn park in front of my house. The next night I stayed with my best friend. The rest of the month I stayed with my aunts. My mom asked me to come home. I wanted to have nothing to do with my mother. She hurt me in ways I can’t even explain. My mom and I never really had a good relationship, and when I came out as trans it just got worse and went downhill from there. Anyways, I don’t wanna talk about that anymore because it’s just gonna make me feel like crap all over again.

Gabriel at Long Beach Pride proudly displaying the Transgender Flag.

 

LONG BEACH PRIDE! Wow! I have been going to LGBT+ Prides for about 3 years. I try and go to as many as I can. I have never actually had the chance to march in a parade though. Sunday was my first day and let me tell you this, I have never, EVER felt so loved and accepted in my life.

I always knew there were a lot of us, but it didn’t hit me until I saw hundreds of people just like me. It made me so happy that I am not the only one that feels this way. I got to experience this with my GSA group. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I am so happy with the person I am, I AM GABRIEL.

On Sunday I saw so many DRAG QUEENS! I LIVE FOR DRAG QUEENS. They make me so happy (haha).